Crippling Mental Disorders of the Heretic Neon Horses: My Little Pony – A Very Minty Christmas Review

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Director: Victor Dal Chele

Writer: Jeanne Romano

I must really love punishing myself. I’m like that albino monk in The Da Vinci Code, but instead of whipping myself with a chalice, I watch kids’ films that are not meant to be seen by world weary eyes of an adult. Like the Ark of the Covenant in the Raiders of The Lost Ark, this film could be used to wipe out your enemies with having them exposed to this. But I’m sure the kids will love it.

"Do you have time talk about Satan, our new Lord of chaos?"

”Do you have time talk about Satan, our new Lord of chaos?”

So what happens in this direct-to-video short film? Christmas is coming and everyone in Pony Island (or whatever the hell that place is called) are doing appropriate preparations. Everything is going smoothly until the turquoise pony Minty puts the whole yuletide jeopardy with her actions.

"The first rule of Fight Club is that you do not talk about Fight Club!"

”The first rule of Fight Club is that you do not talk about Fight Club!”

The town’s Christmas tree is big and spectacular and the tree is crowned with a magical ‘Here Comes Christmas Candy Cane’ (I’m sure the one who came up with that name has been shot in the head) which helps Santa Claus locate Ponyville when the time comes. Minty is bothered when the cane is slightly offset in its pedestal and cannot let go of that irritation of a tilted cane. She absolutely needs to get the cane straight, so she uses a hot air balloon to navigate mid-air and poke the damn thing straight. As one might expect, she drops the cane and it gets destroyed. How can Santa find his way to the town without a magical navigational candy cane, and how can I write that sentence without having to slit open my wrists?

The 3D was crude and pointless.

No need to stay inside of the line, guys. No one will notice.

Minty realizes that without Santa’s visit, there will be no presents this year, so she tries to make the best of a bad situation and comes up with a plan. Minty likes to make socks (in fact she has an entire stockpile of socks at her home, like she’s having serious hoarding problems) so she decides to give them as presents to the whole village. She achieves this by breaking in in other ponies’ houses (I really like the message this film gives to little children) and placing the socks on their mantles. The weird part of this is that the ponies tend to keep hairbrushes on their fireplace, like it’s some kind of holiday tradition. Minty takes the brushes away and replaces them with her socks. Eventually she gets caught by the pink pony (I think her name was something like Triple Threat) who confronts Minty about her predicament.

"The safe word is Panama."

”The safe word is Panama.”

The pink pony advices Minty to leave the city and try to reach North Pole where she can inform Santa that the cane is busted and give directions to the jolly red fat man. So Minty hops on her hot air balloon (yeah, that worked really well last time) and begins her journey to the North Pole.

Jack Frost finally gets his way.

Jack Frost finally gets his way.

She is followed by one of the flying ponies who helps Minty on her adventure. Eventually they get to the North Pole and see the magical splendor of the village. However Santa’s reindeers see the new ponies and confront them. The reindeers (spearheaded by Rudolph, the red-nosed raging alcoholic with serious authority issues) berate the ponies for not being a part of their labor union. The reindeers continue their verbal abuse by accusing the ponies for trying to supersede the reindeers out of their jobs. The ponies have no solid responses so they just quiver in front these aggressive and prejudiced racist reindeers.

Right now, 300 000 Bronies are feeling weird 'down there'.

Right now, 300 000 Bronies are feeling weird ’down there’.

Prancer, who is trying to conceal his sexual orientations shouts out that the ponies are trying to steal all their mares, which enrages the reindeers to the point of actual physical violence. They gang up on the ponies and assault them, which results in a massacre where almost all the ponies are trampled to death. When Santa hears the dying whines of the ponies he comes out and sees the carnage. He sees Rudolph standing on top of Rainbow Dash’s plowed corpse screaming unholy war cries, and he sees Prancer getting an erection when he’s strangling Star Catcher from behind. Santa gets shocked and makes a life altering decision. Tears are running on Santa’s red cheeks while he goes to his cabin to retrieve his trusty flintlock rifle. Santa’s wife’s sleep is cut short when she’s startled by gunshots echoing in the night. She rushes out of the bedroom and hurries out to the porch, where she sees Santa crouched on his knees in front of terrifying sight of trampled ponies and executed reindeers. Santa’s sobbing can be heard amongst the eerie silence. Santa’s wife sees her husband slowly loading the flintlock one last time and before she can stop him, a single shot echoes in the air. A mixture of a puff of red mist and scattered white hair spread out in the air and Santa’s corpse falls next to Minty who is having hard time breathing with blood filled lungs.

Looking at a bloody mess which is Santa who has half of his face blown away, Minty finally realizes that it was her actions that triggered this terrible act of devastation. After taking her last breath Minty dies on that red bed of snow, but not before realizing that with proper psychological assistance her OCD might have been cured before her seemingly adorable mental disorder doomed them all…

MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE!

P.S. If you didn’t realize this in the subtext, I didn’t like this film.

My Little Pony keeps haunting me long after the films, even in the bathroom of my local pub, making sure I can’t even drink away my memories of a pony show.

 

 

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