My Little Pony: What The Fuck (AKA My Little Pony: Twinkle Wish Adventure)

Second title

Director: John Grusd

Writer: Sherri Stoner (I bet she is)

What the hell is wrong with Bronies? I mean grown men digging some weird TV show aimed at preschooler girls. Is there something I missed? Does the show have some hidden meaning? What the hell, man?

"Assume the position"

”Assume the position”

What happens in this 44-minute direct-to-Bronies-fleshlight fantasy? There are several different colored tramp-stamped talking horses (okay, Ponies) that are celebrating…Christmas? They have a tree and they’re crafting these decorations for it, but I doubt they’re jubilating for the birth of Christ. Anyway, the one who does the best decoration for the tree wins a chance to place a Twinkle Wish star on the top of the tree in the middle of their small town and -oh god, I really should be watching something like The Master…or even Under Siege 2: Dark Territory instead of this.

"Your mother sucks cocks in Hell!

”Your mother sucks cocks in Hell!”

The mayor of the city gives a box to the winner so that pony can take care of it until it’s going to be used at the ceremony. The box contains a living star, which is kinda unnerving knowing that the mayor is knowingly imprisoning a living thing inside a small box for a whole year. For some reason the box gets opened and a dragon (…sure, why not) steals the fucking thing. Now five of the ponies must head to Misty Mountains to retrieve the Arkstone from a fire-breathing dragon.

Never mind the obvious Sarah Palin joke here, but there are at least three space vaginas hanging from the tree there!

Never mind the obvious Sarah Palin joke here, but there are at least three space vaginas hanging from the tree there! Also, I’m pretty sure that house has a clitoris…

The five ponies reach the mountain and enter a cave where the dragon lives. There they meet—hold on—wait. One of the pony has wings and can fly. Why? Is that pony some kind of a super hero? Why isn’t she (I’m assuming they’re all girl ponies, and that would make them mares) treated like a god? Why isn’t she making them to? We know that mutated ones exist, because one of them is a unicorn.

Do Bronies dream of unicorns?

Do Bronies dream of unicorns?

See what kind of twisted thoughts this film (should I be calling it that?) provokes? This shit is dangerous. Imagine a 32-year old reclusive man watching this at his parents basement while shining his Armalite M15A4 rifle? Shudders me to think that. You know what? My Little Pony should have an age certificate: ”for children under 12 only.” Anything over that is playing with fire.

Mounting a dragon

Grown men should not learn about sexual assaults this way.

I digress once again. The ponies meet the dragon and try to persuade it to hand over the star which the dragon has locked in a cage (the weird thing about that is that the Twinkle Star is actually less in captivity now than before) which the dragon refuses, making the Ponies head back home empty handed. There the Pink Pony has to come clean with the mayor and spill the beans on the fate of the star.

"Heil Hitler, Herr Oberstpony!"

”Heil Hitler, Herr Oberstpony!”

The mayor is not pleased with the news and has all the participants hanged right there in the town square. After the hanging, the dragon arrives to give the star back after all, but after seeing the multicolored corpses of the hanged Ponies he tries to flee the town. Unfortunately the Mayor sees the dragon and orders customs control to seize the thing for crossing the border illegally. The dragon is shot down and is transported to Guantanamo Bay where it’s subjected to water torture. This makes the dragon to tell the true location of Osama Bin Laden and the NSA finally gets a whiff of the infamous terrorist leader after 8 months of silence. The dragon is then executed unceremoniously on some back alley near the NSA compound and Twinkle Star grants his one wish to M. Night Shyamalan, who asks to be remembered as The Next Spielberg. Twinkle Star gives him the script for Lincoln. M. Night Shyamalan makes a few tweaks here and there, and makes After Earth. After battling depression caused by his less than successful wish-granting, Twinkle Star is found dead lying on the floor of his studio apartment. the Mayor successfully campaigns for the Governor’s seat and wins the election gaining her a three-year career as the Governor of Alaska. After the  brutal aftershock of After Earth, Will Smith recalls his sperm from his offspring. Willow and Jaden Smith seize to exist and all is well in the universe. America, fuck yeah.

I think I’m broken.

The film destroys men, like the Black Plague decimated entire nations.

This should not be watched by anyone over the age of 12.

And those under 12, what do they get out of this film?

Well, My Little Pony: Twinkle Wish Adventure delivers one poignant message for the future generation:

"Never go ass-to-mouth!"

”Never go ass-to-mouth!”

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