5 Films Hollywood Should Make

5 Films

 

1.THE EXPENDABLES OF COMEDY

Sylvester Stallone’s The Expendables was brilliant. The film itself is fun enough and it’s a hoot to see the cast gather up and do a throwback to 80’s action genre. I think most critics and some the viewers were taken back by that the flick resembled more like a product of the Cannon production company than a big studio actioner, like Lethal Weapon or Die Hard. But everyone agreed that the cast were living up to the promise of the premise. So why not do the same with a different genre? Why not gather around the best of the best comedic talents of the eighties and the nineties and throw them in the mix?

No no, not him.

No no, not him.

Just imagine how ridiculously appealing the film would be. Comedians coming together to make one powerhouse comedy film. If they could lure in talented actors like Steve Martin, Jim Carrey, Martin Short, Eddie Murphy, Billy Crystal, Chevy Chase, Dan Aykroyd, Mike Myers, as much of the Monty Python crew they could get, Rowan Atkinson, Jerry Seinfeld, Paul Whitehouse, Harry Enfield…you get the picture, right? The thing is, there are way more comedians out there than recognizable action stars. There are a lot of talents to choose from. However, the writing should be sharp as fuck with a comedy film, even more than in an action film, where a director can elevate the stuff beyond a slightly underwritten script.

I am genuinely surprised they haven’t done this already.

 

2. DON ROSA’S SCROOGE MCDUCK FILM

What the hell, Disney? It’s been almost 20 years since characters from the Duckburg universe have graced the cinema screens (and even then Disney chose to update Goofy of all of the characters), and almost 25 years since it was about either Donald Duck or his ultra-rich uncle Scrooge McDuck (DuckTales The Movie). So it is about time that Disney should dive into that universe and make a film worthy of the stature of those legendary characters. And I suggest that Disney should make that film based on the art work and stories by an amazing comic book artist Don Rosa (or Carl Barks if they really have the balls).

I'm pretty sure it would be rated PG-13. At least.

I’m pretty sure it would be rated PG-13. At least.

Tuomas Holopainen, the lead man from the band Nightwish recently released a solo-project album called Music Inspired By The Life And Time Of Scrooge McDuck, which in itself was inspired by a comic book by Rosa. The Life And Time Of Scrooge McDuck would work best as a serial form (sort of like Game Of Thrones) and that is something Disney should consider as well. But there are other brilliant stand-alone stories from Rosa that would transform well to the big screen. Stories like A Matter Of Some Gravity, The Universal Solvent or hell, even The Three Caballeros Ride Again, which could be even a sequel for the original Three Caballeros!

Take my money already!

Take my money already!

I guarantee that if one of Rosa’s duck stories gets adapted, it would be easily that year’s best and most thrilling adventure film. But only if they’d maintain to recreate that beautiful hand-drawn artwork and none of that CGI shit. And I’m pretty sure that film would be easy to sell to the audience. Or could you resist an original hand-drawn Scrooge / Donald feature animated film? No? Didn’t think so.

 

3. THAT UNFILMED GEMINI MAN MOVIE

About 10 to 15 years ago I read about a film called Gemini Man. It’s about this older assassin guy, who gets cloned and the younger version of him is assigned to destroy his older self. At the time Mel Gibson was going to do it and for some reason it never came through. I believe the technology wasn’t ready for realistic CG-youngification. We know it is now, so what gives? Where is it now?

It would be awesome to see this guy again.

It would be awesome to see this guy again.

Producer Jerry Bruckheimer supposedly has the rights, and he’s hired different writers to pen the script, including Darren Lemke, David Benioff and Jonathan Hensleigh. So the film is far from dead and is still a strong possibility that we’ll see this flick in the near future.

"But you guys would rather see another Pirates Of The Caribbean movie, right?"

”But you guys would rather see another Pirates Of The Caribbean movie, right?”

Hey, you know what film sounds awfully lot like Gemini Man? Looper. That “original” sci-fi movie from the year 2012 that was universally acclaimed. I thought it was kinda underwhelming and quite frankly a little boring. Here’s hoping Gemini Man comes and wipes the floor with Looper.

 

4. THE INCREDIBLE SHRINKING MAN REMAKE…IN 3D

If you’re remaking absolutely anything, why not remake this 1957 classic sci-fi flick. Just imagine that shit reimagined…in 3D. While you’re at it, remake Fantastic Voyagein 3D.

3D conversion should be done for the original as well.

…in 3D.

 

5. HIGHLANDER

Speaking of remakes, Russell Mulcahy’s rather excellent Highlander is a strange case where a film that has a huge fanbase could easily be remade and could still appreciated alongside the original.

total_recall_farrell Total Recall Arnold

Total Recall method acting:  ”Granola” and ”Chili Fajitas”.

While I enjoyed Christopher Lambert and Sean Connery in their respective roles in the original Highlander, I believe the casting choices were a little off (come on, Lambert as a scottsman and Connery as a Latin swordmaster…) and the remake could cast the film a bit more appropriately. I’d suggest Kevin McKidd (never going to happen, I’m sorry to say) or -if you need a younger face- Domhnall Gleeson for the role of Connor MacLeod, and Antonio Banderas would be perfect as Juan Sanchez Villa-Lobos Ramirez. And who could portray the intimidating Kurgan? Clancy Brown is still an option, but I’d still go with one of my all-time favourite actor, Michael Wincott. His delivery on that quotable line “It’s better to burn out than to fade away” would blow through the roof!

Also, wouldn’t you just love to hear Ke$ha and Pitbull do a version of Who Wants To Live Forever during the end credits..?

The music video would be totally appropriate, of course.

The music video would be totally appropriate, of course.

…on second thoughts though, maybe you should leave that song untouched. But I’m all for a remake, if they ever get around to it…wait…it’s already happening? Well, okay then.

 

6. (BONUS) INDIANA JONES AND THE FATE OF ATLANTIS

As a bonus I’d like to point out that the fourth best Indiana Jones adventure was a multi-platform game released by LucasArts in the year 1992. And that should be remade immediately, but not as a film, but as a game. The Secret Of Monkey Island got that face-lift/ re-release and Indy needs his own. There are several retro games that have been rereleased in HD, including Pitfall, Bionic Commando and the aforementioned Monkey Island series. Hell even Leisure Suit Larry got the High-Definition version. Indiana Jones And The Fate Of Atlantis is one of the funniest and best written adventure games there is and deserves to be played by the younger generation and definitely revisited by us, the old fans of the classic game.

George Lucas went a little too CG-happy in The Kingdom Of The Crystal Skull.

George Lucas went a little too CG-happy in The Kingdom Of The Crystal Skull.

You know, I would be totally happy if the upcoming fifth Indiana Jones film would the Fate Of Atlantis as a live action film.

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